The Endurance Race
We all know Paul's words about running the good race.........and finishing. At this time in our lives it's like the third lap of the mile. You have run three laps, your legs are burning, but still have a fourth and hardest lap. So you put your head down and burn as hard as you can, just hoping that you have enough left to finish.
We are in that third lap mode. Tomorrow, hospice comes to help. Though we know their reputation, just the word begins to bring about connotations of the end. We will have visitors to nurse, care and counsel both of us.......and we need it.
I guess that I have to admit that I am finally very scared and not always the spiritual rock that I'm had hoped to be. I am angry.........yep, need counseling for that! A local transport service was blocking the entrance to Lynn's cancer clinic the other day, and we had to pull in front of the truck to let Lynn out. As we struggled to get her to the curb cut that he was blocking, he honked at her and nearly scared her off her feet. I felt that surge of anger, and then I was out of control. I secured Lynn, and instead of going to talk to him about it, I hit the side of his van 3 times while yelling, "NEVER EVER honk at my wife." Then I reported him- got him in some real trouble. I eventually got to talk with him, because the company had him contact me. I asked his forgiveness for my behavior. He was very apologetic, and asked mine.
I must admit I felt sort of good about it at first, but afraid of my own rage. It was out of control and it was not the testimony of a man of God. It embarassed Lynn so much that she cried all of the way up to the 5th floor. Yes, for years I have been helping kids at the local detention center and other homes for kids about, yep, anger management........now I need counseling about my own anger? Yep.
Now hospice has got us talking about "final arrangements", church, funeral, undertaker, etc. Yes, we need to talk about all of those things, but somehow in the context of hospice, now, it is downright scarey and sad.
Again, I don't want to fail, here, I want to run this race to the end. Lynn is running as hard as she can. Can I stay strong enough to help both of us? Oh, God, I pray so.
Thanks for all of you that have sensed it, for your calls and emails and texts. I am greatful that you would care enough to do that, when like others, you could have run away. I love you for that. It burns bad, but it's just the third lap, and we are going to need help to finish the fourth.........to cross the finish line.
Why are you downcast, my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I willyet praise him, my savior and my God. Ps. 42