The Endurance Race

Published by Dawgma
Apr 23rd 2012, 4:51am | 1149 views

We all know Paul's words about running the good race.........and finishing.  At this time in our lives it's like the third lap of the mile.  You have run three laps, your legs are burning, but still have a fourth and hardest lap.  So you put your head down and burn as hard as you can, just hoping that you have enough left to finish.

We are in that third lap mode.  Tomorrow, hospice comes to help.  Though we know their reputation, just the word begins to bring about connotations of the end.  We will have visitors to nurse, care and counsel both of us.......and we need it. 

I guess that I have to admit that I am finally very scared and not always the spiritual rock that I'm had hoped to be.  I am angry.........yep, need counseling for that!  A local transport service was blocking the entrance to Lynn's cancer clinic the other day, and we had to pull in front of the truck to let Lynn out. As we struggled to get her to the curb cut that he was blocking, he honked at her and nearly scared her off her feet.  I felt that surge of anger, and then I was out of control. I secured Lynn, and instead of going to talk to him about it, I hit the side of his van 3 times while yelling, "NEVER EVER honk at my wife."  Then I reported him- got him in some real trouble.  I eventually got to talk with him, because the company had him contact me.  I asked his forgiveness for my behavior.  He was very apologetic, and asked mine.

I must admit I felt sort of good about it at first, but afraid of my own rage.  It was out of control and it was not the testimony of a man of God.  It embarassed Lynn so much that she cried all of the way up to the 5th floor.  Yes, for years I have been helping kids at the local detention center and other homes for kids about, yep, anger I need counseling about my own anger? Yep.

Now hospice has got us talking about "final arrangements", church, funeral, undertaker, etc.  Yes, we need to talk about all of those things, but somehow in the context of hospice, now, it is downright scarey and sad.

Again, I don't want to fail, here, I want to run this race to the end.  Lynn is running as hard as she can.  Can I stay strong enough to help both of us?  Oh, God, I pray so.

 Thanks for all of you that have sensed it, for your calls and emails and texts.  I am greatful that you would care enough to do that, when like others, you could have run away.  I love you for that.  It burns bad, but it's just the third lap, and we are going to need help to finish the cross the finish line.

Why are you downcast, my soul? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I willyet praise him, my savior and my God.  Ps. 42

Love, Chaser


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2 comment(s)
Lynn Castiaux
Hi Dave and Lynn, Your latest blog sounds so familiar to me. I have been the target of many angry patients and family members. As christians we are people with real feelings. Not robots. I am sorry but I had to chuckle a little at the thought of you hitting the truck.
I hope that you can look at having hospice as a help to you and not just think of the reason for having hospice come in. Final arrangements are scary but better to do it now. It sounds like you are taking each day as it comes, enjoying each moment you have as a family. Cherish them now.
Please feel free to call me or email me if you have any questions that the hospice does not answer. Not all hospices are alike.
Jennifer Saks
Dave and Lynn, we in part how hard this is. We had to face it ourselves, with Nathan, and then very nearly again for me, but God mercifully kept me here. Each person's pain and grief is their own, but we share it with you in our own way and from our own experiences. "There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still"...there are many days that do not feel that way to you, I'm sure. But the knowledge that He is there, undergirding you all the way even when you can't feel it...that is what I pray you will not forget in those darkest moments. Fear is normal and natural, and God understands. Anger is also normal and natural. The type of pain, grief, and stress you and Lynn are going through can bring out the best and the worst in everyone. As followers of Christ, we have an advantage in that we have resources to draw upon that others do not have. It's just remembering to draw on them when our backs are to the wall...that is the hard part sometimes. Dave, your love for Lynn and your fierce protectiveness of her are models for us all. You are doing great. All she needs is your love and encouragement, and she understands your fear, because she'd feel the same thing if the tables were turned. And Lynn, your faith and your strength in the face of this hardest race of all are shining through, and we are watching and learning. We're proud of you--of both of you. I am afraid, too, as your friend...I hate cancer and all that it means. I hate death and loss and pain and grief. I hate the idea of saying goodbye to a dear friend and I don't want to do it. But then I keep reminding myself that death is dead because Christ has risen and we will one day understand all this. But meanwhile, it's just plain hard, isn't it? Just keep doing what you're doing. You WILL be victorious, both of you. We love you...Kraig and Jennifer
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