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THE END IS COMING! 05.03.2011!! :O

Published by
empb28   Feb 27th 2011, 3:28am

Move over 12/21/2012, a much more horrible and evil judgment date has been established!  The human race will be begging for an apocalypse where fire rains from the sky and four horsemen drop in for a visit when a horrific, heinous event occurs on May 3rd, 2011.  What event is this you ask?  Well, before I tell you, make sure your holding the hand of a loved one or tightly clutching a cherished object for comfort and support (I.e. I chose to clutch an axe which I'd love to hack the CEO of 24 Hour Fitness’es nuts into a fine paste with) Are you all holding a hand/murder weapon you'd love to use on a dickhead who turned a perfectly good commercial gym company into a sales-pressured shithole?  You are?  Good.  With that, I HIGHLY regret to inform the poor innocent Runnerspace world that Colbie “Undisputed queen of wuss music” Caillat is releasing her 3rd piece of shit album "All For You" this May 3rd.   IT'S NOT FAIR DAMMIT!  Why the hell does such a sappy wussy singer like Colbie Caillat have to exist in this mean world?!  Why can't my hero Alex Kapranos of Franz Ferdinand (An AWESOME!, non-sap-shit music making band) blow her head off with a cannon; Flick his cigarette and then blow her head off with a cannon.  If you know the music of Franz Ferdinand's most recent album you'll get that last sentence fragment.   But more importantly you'll know of a GOOD band which is at the other end of the spectrum from Colbie Caillat.  But it gets worse guys: The evil demon herself has ALREADY inflicted the horror of this new revolting record upon our poor innocent ears.  Wikipedia posted the sap-shit titles of her new pre-released crappy compositions recently and included an explanation of what inspired her to write these terrible tunes.  I, EMPB28, have recently witnessed the horror of these crummy, mushy, sappy, sucky wuss-music song titles and let me tell you, they suck dick harder than a tornado which has touched down right on Richard Nixon’s burial site.  For example, one of her new ear poison songs includes “What if”, which the evil Colbie says is “about day dreaming about being in love” XP.  Actually, I and millions of other poor sufferers of her wuss music (Which has been a pain in our world’s ass for almost 4 damn years now) can relate a bit to this song title.  All of us ALSO daydream about being in love………………WITH THE NOTION OF STAPLING HER DAMN LIPS TOGETHER SO SHE CAN’T ANNOY US WITH HER WUSSY VOICE ANYMORE!  “Dream Life” is another wussy song title worth a billion laughs.  Apparently, this song was inspired by a dream life which consists of her and her friends “spending their days by the pool drinking cocktails”.  Folks, we ALL can agree on three things that I have concluded from reading this lame-ass joke of song title and inspiration.  1.  Colbie’s music is so shitty that it sure as hell sounds like was written WHILE her and her friends were drinking COCKTAILS and getting drunk off their asses around a pool.  2.  Her music sucks enough to the point where one could also safely surmise that a much more powerful PLANT-BASED and ILLEGAL form of “Cocktail” was used around a small ashtray-sized “Pool” consisting of singed remains of that much more powerful plant-based and illegal form of “Cocktail” by Colbie during the thought processes of her songs, and 3.  I’ve heard music from singers who actually HAVE participated in that certain form of illegal ritual (Jim Morrison, Bob Marley, you name ‘em) who made music that was millions upon millions of steaming, heaping shitloads better than her sappy sucky shit music.  “Before I let you go” is another title of one of her upcoming songs.  She explains that it’s about how  "she was angry at someone and how they should change their ways before they are out of her life”.  Well, I happen to be angry at Colbie Caillat and I wish she would change her sappy music to sound more like that of Spoon, Shiny Toy Guns ,Interpol or any other of bands worth a damn listening and relating to.  If she does not, she will not only be out of my life (like she currently is), but she will also out of a singing voice, as she will have a goddamn ball gag permanently bolted over her mouth (Courtesy of me, of course).  Come on people, if I were going to write a song about being angry at someone I wouldn’t use a wussy-sounding title like “Before I let you go”(Oh please!).  I would probably dub my vengeful and violent song with a title along the lines of “Ode to the former UW Indoor Track Meet director douchebag whose big hairy 3 ounce dick I’d love to smash with a sledgehammer”.  But sadly, Colbie Caillat is highly rage and vulgar impaired.  And it’s pissing our world off!  So thus we must prepare for the end of it on May 3rd when the third album that we never hoped would come out, will come out and sadly carry on Colbie Caillat’s shit-music into the future.  Personally, I’m thinking about hanging myself with a suspension bridge cable so I can be spared from more of her sappy wuss songs.  That way, I’ll not only be dead just in time to be spared from them, but I’ll also end up in heaven where music from Franz Ferdinand, Stone Temple Pilots, and other bands which just plain rock will constantly be blaring.  But sadly, the rest of the world will suffer through a wuss music living HELL, this May 3rd when this new, sappy, sucky, suercalifragilisticexpealadotiously SHITTY album is inflicted upon our poor, innocent, music-that-kicks-ass-loving, world.

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Wow. If it brings you any comfort, I've never heard of her nor have I ever heard her "music".
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